i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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