I didn't shave. On purpose
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
