Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
