I didn't shave. On purpose
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
