Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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