the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
