so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
