Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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