Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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