thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Someone signed my nipple.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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