I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize