Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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