We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
