I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
