New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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