you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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