Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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