sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
