So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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