Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
