Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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