You smell like a Billy Joel song
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
