i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
