im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
