u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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