there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
