We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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