You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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