Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
