Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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