so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
