just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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