He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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