then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
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