I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
