Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
