textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
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