Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
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