I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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