They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
