dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
