That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
no, he came in my armpit
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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