youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
