where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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