Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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