whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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