i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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