the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
