seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
