I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
My breath smells like gin and sadness
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
