I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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