After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
