Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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