even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
