she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
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