Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Come share oat with me in your robe
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
