I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
There's always time for handjobs
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
