ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
