Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
