My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize