I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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